Bad Days

By R.J Byrd

“Why didn’t you tell me?” asked Mark.

“I didn’t see a point,” said Carrie.

“How could you not?”

“You never want to know about these things.”

“Of course I do.”

“What would it change?” she asked, turning her tear-filled eyes to him.

“Everything,” he said, leaning closer to her, “I care about you. You’re my friend.” If anything saying this caused more tears to well up in her clear, green eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked again, taking her chin in his hand to keep her eyes on him.

“You’ve been too wrapped up in your wedding; I didn’t want to interfere with your happiness,” she explained, letting a few tears fall.

“You know you never could,” he said, looking intensely into her eyes, his whole face sincere. “How long have you known?”

“Nine months. I’ve been on chemo for the last five. This is one of my bad days,” she said, referring to the fact that she had been sick all morning and too nauseous to eat all day. “I’m losing my hair…big clumps of it,” she said, taking off her hat to reveal her balding head. “Don’t worry, I’m going to wear a wig to your wedding,” she said jokingly, hoping to get a laugh out of him so he would stop looking at her with such serious, accusing eyes.

“How could you think I wouldn’t want to know about this? Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

“I told them not to.”

“Am I the last one to know about this?” he sighed as she slowly nodded. “Damn it, Carrie, it hurts that you didn’t tell me. I’m your best friend!”

“I’m not responding to the chemo,” she said quietly, looking down. It was too painful to look into his eyes. “They gave me an estimate.”

“Don’t,” he started. That was something he couldn’t handle.

“A year,” she said, “longer than most.”

“The chemo might work,” said Mark.

“I’m not afraid to die, but if I don’t do something now, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do it.” Mark closed his eyes and felt Carrie’s arms wrap around his waist, her damp eyes on the back of his shirt. “I love you,” she said, the words muffled in his clothes.

“I know,” he whispered. He had always known but never dared to address it.

“Why can’t you love me?” she asked, her voice thick with tears. Mark remained silent and let her cry into his shirt for as long as she needed. A part of him loved her too, deeply. He just couldn’t let himself love her. He would only break her heart, and he couldn’t do that to her. If he kept her at a distance and loved her as a friend, their love would last forever. It just wasn’t fair that their forever would be permanently cut short.

Copyright 2023 By R.J. Byrd All Rights Reserved